You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
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