he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
