Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
