we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
