He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Walk of Shame today included voting.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
