Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
