in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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