God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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