Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
And the cops told us we were all naked.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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