You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
