Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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