im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
