His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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