We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
two words: eviction party
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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