I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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