I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
