Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
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