Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
