The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
