i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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