I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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