Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I'm too high and old for this...
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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