Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I just sucked dick on a ferry
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
