Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
