You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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