i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
You were trust falling into bushes
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
