no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Randomize
