when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Randomize
