my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Randomize
