Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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