Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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