you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
