sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
