I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
