I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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