So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
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