his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
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