Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize
