Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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