I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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