It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
