So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
