All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
