Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
