Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
