Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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