I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
