I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
