Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
