The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
