ya dads aren't the best wingmen
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Randomize
