She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
