I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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