You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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